


On My Own

by lickmymccracken



Category: My Chemical Romance, The Used
Genre: Angst, M/M, Mention of Death, Mention of alcohol, Past Relationship(s), Unrequited Love, just gerard way being gross as usual, mention of drugs, really angsty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-14
Updated: 2014-12-14
Packaged: 2018-03-01 09:35:17
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 642
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2768288
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lickmymccracken/pseuds/lickmymccracken
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>wrote this on the bus coming home from school for the holidays and i felt like ripping my own heart out so here you go. nothing more than sad angsty pre and post break up gerbert enjoy the pain</p>
            </blockquote>





	On My Own

When Bert was with Gerard all the hurt went away. Granted there was drugs (a lot of drugs) to help, but even through that warm haze of chemical assistance there was Gerard and Gerard was better than any of it. They both had too much pain in them, too much sorrow and anger and /hate/, too many demons. Somewhere in the weird science of negatives and positives, these two guys with too much negativity for their bodies to take by themselves formed a positive when they were together. And it worked. Bert let it be, and loved him, and it worked.  
  
The positive that fit in between the negatives never left much room for outside positives. That didn't go to say that Bert never wanted Gerard to be happy without him or vice versa, but there was possessiveness that was more one-sided, and eventually a love that was one-sided. Bert swore up and down that the drugs didn't make their relationship, that he loved him, drunken, dirty, and coked up or sober as hell. He loved him /happy/ was all, and he could give him that! Bert could make him happy so why would he want something different? The drugs made him happy because he was living as a ghost without them; the alcohol kept his plug in the wall until he didn't need the life support. And Bert. And Bert...  
  
And when the drugs were gone he still loved him. He loved him god damn it, and he sent him cards in rehab and bought him a fucking box of chocolates after a month of being sober and he fucking tried! He said he would give it all up too, that he would to it with him and Gerard shut down the idea so quickly it made Bert's stomach hurt. He wanted it to be about him. Not them. But he was still there and he still tried despite unreturned phone calls and a changed phone number, but after a while... After a while the positive between them was gone, it was all Gerard's positive, Bert didn't get any. And even when they saw each other it clashed positive and negative and it was messy and rough and wrong.   
  
After that Bert didn't let his heart out to anyone but the kids in the pit and the guys that piled into the bus with him every night. And when Kate and the baby died he wasn't sure he even had a heart at all. It was all negatives and there wasn't a positive in the entire universe as far as he was concerned. He left his heart in that god damn fucking casket and took a page from Gerard fucking Way and filled the hole with alcohol and anything he could get in his bloodstream to give the world some color.   
  
He couldn't remember how he wound up in Jersey but he did. He had a bottle in a brown paper bag and a sickness in his stomach that rivaled a hurricane or the nor'easter that was arriving any minute. He had red eyes and stuffed sinuses and a ball of tissues in his pockets and he punched the doorbell will the knuckle he'd been chewing on for weeks. He begged for him to open the door, he threatened to wake up the entire damn neighborhood, he asked "Can you take the hurt away?" When the door opened he sniffled "Where were you?" And "I needed you" and "You asshole..." But Gerard took the bottle and left it outside and let him in and let him sleep in his bed but he didn't kiss him. He offered him a hug, offered him some coffee, some courtesy, some pity. He called Quinn, called a cab, left a note in the morning with some cash.   
  
Bert decided he could find his heart himself.

**Author's Note:**

> this was horrid im sorry


End file.
